St Malo

You're sitting on the beach, a sandcastle in front of you, smooth crashing waves soothe your ears.

Children play with their parents on the beach - petanque, soccer, a weird game of four square using a mini trampoline and of course, building sandcastles.

The wind is soft on the skin. Water warm and refreshing at the same time. The houses standing tall on the coastline with a wall protruding from the sand, keeping them safe from the incoming tide.

In the water you are alone but beyond happy. You sit on the beach for a long term before venturing out towards the ocean, in fear of someone stealing your purse with passport, rings and money in. But you see the other beachgoers casual as, happy and relaxed. Deciding to take a chance, you leave the safety of the sand and head down to the water. The Ocean  greets you and bows as you touch it, edging away. Cute dads and their kids, old men in their Speedos, women swimming alone. Safe.

The waves aren't as big as home. They're still fun but not deathly. They are forgiving here. They lift you up instead.

The seagulls caw and the laughter surrounds you

This place is beautiful.

Remember-

Remember the train lady - from Rennes to St Malo - so happy in her job and so stylish too. Her whistle, blond hair topped with a blue cap with a red ribbon and red shoes.

Avoiding Pickpockets

I never take my big purse with me - but if I do - my crossbody bag is inside it. I have locks on most things. I give anyone who gives me the itchy look a long look, smile if need be and it usually removes the anonymous aspect because I've seen their face. When I go out, I take my cross-body bag and keep it in front of me. It has RFID internal pockets so everything that is important - cash, cards and passport if needed - is inside a zipped pocket with lipstick, lipbalm, tissues and coin purse on the outside - again zipped up. I've really loved this bag. I was worried about it's thin strap when in Rome because I'd heard that people go past on a moped ready to cut straps and steal bags. I think most of our Contiki group were pretty aware so that helped too.

Add stories of scams
- cardboard clipboard
- roses
- ring lady by the Seine with her blind daughter

Add stories of near misses
- Char

Bye Contiki mates 😭

And... I'm back to being a solo traveller.

After wanting so much time on my own I'm instantly craving the time I spent with my Contiki mates.

They've all just left. Well, not all of them because there are still some people here. Hopefully I can still hang out with them today before I go to the Channel Islands tomorrow.

I feel sad, hungover, drunk still and overwhelmingly tired and sick. I'm glad I've got my room here for another night.

I need to have a sleep and then process everything. It still doesn't feel real that they've all gone. I keep thinking that they're gonna come knock on my door saying, "Alex! Come to breakfast!" Or reminding me for the thousandth time that it's bags to coach at 7.45am.

I miss them all so much.

Stupid questions

SO many questions. SO MANY. Seriously.

Sometimes it's all I can do to just look away and shake my head.

For me, I've always believed you should research a place before travelling there. I've done my best with this trip. I knew bits and pieces already of course through my history studies - but bits and pieces I'd learnt.

But to go to a place like the Cistine Chapel and not know that the paintings depict Christian narratives or the literal story of the Bible... And think that the pictures just depict people from a different time, having a rough time of it...  🤦 Sure, partially correct, it would have been hard back then... Bahahaha

Or when we were standing on top of Hitler's bunker and a question got asked - if they knew where he was, why didn't they just come kill him? Um... There was a war going on??

Mon dieu 😂

Cultural baggage

I talked about this with my Uncle while I was in Warwick. With him I could share our knowledge and awareness of tikanga Māori and matauranga Māori. Shared some of our Māori narratives and discussed historical injustices.

We talked about how easy it was walking around Warwick - learning the history - soaking it up. The place at Warwick castle felt so ancient that Papatuanuku was snoozing now in relative peace where the castle sits upon her. The bloodshed was so far off - it was a really different vibe, totally different energy than at home.

At home - you go anywhere and you feel this weight. Papa is still hurting. Constantly being hurt and subjected to assualt and violence. The cultural baggage weighs you down. Knowing what happened as you drive through places, on roads built for genocide. To be fair - this is similar for me in Europe like when I walked into Dachau and driving on the Autobahn.

But the cultural weight at home is so heavy - sometimes it's all I think about. That vibration of hurt and shame. Horrific injustices and systemic abuse.

Here - the hurt is still there but time has lessened the weight.

Walking around the colloseum yesterday - I knew others had walked where we had, died in the halls and underneath... But the length of time between then and now is massive. It feels unreal that it happened. Even though we know it did.

So why is it hard for us to understand our immediate history? The events that take place even now. The bloodshed and hurt that is ongoing.

So that's a bit of what's on my mind right now.

Ngā mihi x

The Token Kiwi

I don't think I've mentioned this yet but...

1 Contiki Coach
1 Tour Guide
1 Bus Driver
43 tour members

1 Kiwi
1 Canadian
1 American
1 Pom
AND
39 Aussies...

Literally every time I meet another Kiwi while on this trip I freak out and squeal and get so excited. Last night I met three Kiwi's at the bar on another Contiki trip. They have FOUR Kiwis. So freaking jealous. We had the best korero last night and I got all my ranting out. Love our Aussie cousins... They're just all so intense haha

Definitely missing our shared Kiwi slang, use of Reo Māori and general Kiwi manners and respect. Missing people understanding my accent haha and not being referenced as a sheep shagger all the time 🤦 No idea.... Kaore e mohio a ratou 😂 Kaore e tuatahi 😂 Love you guys - my Kiwi fam and my new Aussie whanau here on the coach 😍

#takuhaerenga #Venice #NauticalParty #DanTheKiwi

Dachau

On making our way to Dachau Concentration Camp, our tour manager Loz gave us an experience I'll always remember. She made us put ourselves in the shoes of someone being ripped out of their home, being sent on a cattle train, seeing friends and family killed or die on the journey, experiencing the sheer terror and hunger within the camp, not knowing what would be coming next. She didn't make it any less easy on us than I do with my students. Factual, relatable but finding ways we could connect but also see the huge difference in the two realities - ours and theirs.

Before going to Dachau, I felt like I knew most of what there was to know. I know now that I know nothing.

Walking down the pathway towards the camp entrance, it was beautiful. I knew what was coming though and sung an oriori to help pave the way clearer so that there would be less resistance going and to honour the memories of those who had been executed and exterminated. Those words are confronting, but nevertheless true.

Walking through those gates with 'Albeit Macht Frei' and seeing the bleak landscape just put me into a state of shock. I couldn't quite believe that I was standing there, but also knowing full well what had happened there. Every step I took potentially had been where someone had died or was murdered.

Loz had asked us to pick up a pebble while there. I found a small yellow one and held it tightly the entire way around the camp.

We didn't have much time there today - you'd need a full day and then some I reckon. To fully understand and process everything. I didn't get time to go towards the gas chambers. Seeing the bleak space beside the barracks was enough to create many tears.

The trees will have seen so much.

The museum while good and informative was something I should have done last. I should have made time to visit the camp properly and let it all sink in. Regardless, I want to go back there and deepen my understanding further.

Upon leaving today, I told those waiting in the sidelines that they couldn't come with me, nor that they had to stay there. They could go home. But I felt that immense guilt of being able to leave today. They couldn't.

And that was the message behind Loz getting us to pick up that pebble. She wanted us to see it, connect with it and understand that when we saw it, felt it - that we would be more appreciative of the good stuff in life rather than dwelling on the bad stuff. Powerful. Because they didn't have that chance of freedom.

And so - another place is added to my #nexttime list.

Moe mai atu ra ki a koutou xx

Heading to Dachau Concentration Camp

Initially I was excited. Then I got angry at myself for being excited to go to an historical place where many many many deaths occurred.

Walking through the memorial in Berlin the other day I felt numb. That was a mere memorial. This, is a place of death and trauma.

I'm going to feel the trauma. That awful sickening feeling in my stomach. I might spew.

I will soak in the history. I will absorb the pain. I will acknowledge, remember and never forget.

Contiki - mental health #2

So what I'm realising is this.. 

The idea of being stuck on a coach with 43 other people is actually mentally, physically and emotionally draining. The reality is I'm tired and grumpy.

Normally if I need time to deconstruct, I find some quiet me time. There hasn't been much of that.

The beginning of my trip was more enjoyable because I was travelling solo. I was getting myself places and making choices about what I was doing.

This part of the trip is all organised for me. What I forget though is that I have choices within that. That I can opt out of stuff like the paragliding. That I can have me time in a foreign country. That I can make my own friends when I want to, like the Bus-a-bout girl ❤️ I actually think the idea of Bus-a-bout is really cool.

What is bugging me about the trip is that I have to be back on the bus at a certain point - usually I'm okay with this but the last couple days with my swelling of my feet (none yesterday because I wore my compression socks!!) and the blisters has caused me to be way slower than normal and I'm in pain.

Yesterday I got back on the bus like a solid five mins after our tour manager got on - but I was behind them - still walking. Just took me longer because of my sore feet.

I need to show her how bad the blisters are maybe or just talk to her about all this.

I don't know.

But what I do know is I'm starting to get why my mental health was taking a downward spiral. Drinking too much - not normal for me anymore. It's causing me to feel shit about myself and I'm not bloody 23 anymore. I'm 30 and like to enjoy my alcohol lol. Alcohol is a depressant. I forgot this too but my mate Amber reminded me and reminded me to focus on scent and sight the next few days to refocus myself.

Being around so many people is causing a fair few problems. Yesterday I counterbalanced this with putting my headphones on in the couch and listening to some NZ reggae to chill out. All the talking was just too much. I need downtime and my own space too.

I went for a swim the other day on my own and it was great. Being on my own is good. I need this. But I feel like I'm being antisocial when there's a big group of people who are becoming my friends.

I also have to remember that I'm walking a lot more than I do at home. So the blisters are obvious - but also coz I was dumb and wore a new pair of shoes I bought in Amsterdam while in Berlin.

I also have to keep up with blogging and writing. I need to find some me time today to do this. The physical writing down and thinking about shit is absolutely important to me. It helps me process and realise the truths in my reality rather than the lies I tell myself.

Plus - I walked craploads up stairs this week. Like craploads. I can't even begin to count how many stairs. 200+ in the Berliner Dom easy.

Draining carrying all my shit.

I need to do washing and also send some shit home that is weighing my bags down.

Regardless of the fact that I'm travelling and that I can be a different person - all the experiences that have happened to make me this person aren't wiped out. I am who I am. I love myself most days and on the days I struggle, I fight to remember why I am proud of myself.

Because at the end of the day - I got myself here. That's incredible.

Thanks for the pep talk Amber. ❤️

Now back to finish my sleep.

Contiki Learnings Thus Far - mental health

So... My mental health is kicking my butt at the moment. Lots of negative thoughts about my weight, thinking I look like crap on photos and those ugly thoughts thinking people don't like me are circulating.

I've found a bunch of incredible people to hang out with here on this trip. I'm looking forward to visiting them in their hometowns too and soon.

I was giving a pep talk to one of my roomies this morning and told her to stop hating on herself. I need to listen to that advice too.

One of the guys earlier was on the phone talking to his two boys. I got down from that too. It just made me so sad that my dad was never that supportive or interested in my life. That this one guy on Contiki had so much love for his kids - it just got me, hard. I tried holding back the tears and for a part I did. But seriously - this same guy I was angry at yesterday for standing on one of the sculpture blocks of the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin was talking to his boys about all the photos he had taken and was looking forward to showing them and explaining the photos when he got back.

It took a minute to remember how I was feeling and why.

For the most part - I'm way out of my comfort zone. I am partying with people much younger than me. But I'm not here to do that. But that's what I've been doing.

I'm out of my normal routine. Spending a lot of time on the bus. Talking with people at a different age and stage than me.

And just like that - the immense joy took over again. We just crossed the border from Germany to Prague. We're now in the Czech Republic!!! 😍😍😍

But then... I don't know. I'm still sad.

I'm gutted I have sore feet and feel like I'm holding people back.

Two days ago I signed up for a heap of different free time add ons. Including Paragliding. Because #noregrets right?! But... I'm feeling yuck and nervous now. Our tour manager just told us that the paragliding company wanted to make sure everyone was comfortable running for 20m before jumping off the cliff. I'm defs not able to run that long for that amount of time. I'm getting better but yeah. I defs think that I'm going to have to give the paragliding a miss aye. Because shit. My mental health is making me doubt everything.

It's hard enough just getting bloody ready. I'm wearing the wrong clothes for the day's activities.

I'm tired. I need more sleep. But I don't want to miss out on anything. But I also don't want to burn out.

I'm feeling so annoyed with myself. I was most looking forward to Prague. And I'm in a crap mood. Gah.

Key Learnings Today

- I teach like how Shakespeare was taught! The constant questioning and deepening the thought process.
- Le Long's need better communication. I will keep working on that one.
- my family is amazing

Whanau in Warwick

My heart is aching.

I've just got on the train, voluntarily leaving Uncle Noel and Aunty Anna a day early to go stay with their daughter, my cousin Oonagh in London for the night before I start my Contiki Trip.

I miss both of them already so much.

I didn't realise how quickly I'd bond with all of them and just how much I was going to miss them once I left.

We had an incredible few days.

Today we went to Stratford-Upon-Avon. So many things to process and think about. Was so cool to visit Shakespeare's school and to have lunch in the Anne Hathaway tea house.

I'm now crying quietly on the train. Jeez.

Yesterday Uncle Noel took me to Warwick Castle. It was amazing. I was in literal awe.

Last night we had a jam session at home. Uncle Noel played his Strat and Aunty Anna played her piano. I played the djembe's and the lap snare drum.

I bonded so quickly with Aunty Anna even though she wasn't there during the reunion and couldn't make it with us on our day trips. We're so similar. She is an incredible role model. To be your true self, live your real happy life. Screw everyone else. To enjoy life, no matter how silly others think you are.

Of course I was going to bond with Uncle Noel. He reminded me immediately of Grandad and even Uncle Ken with his kind and compassionate nature. The email contact and the hug when he picked me up with his sister and her husband.

I missed Aunty Gill the minute she left too.

I feel like I'm being sent away. It's not true at all. I'm off on my next part of my journey. It's exciting really but all I can feel right now is how much I miss them and how much I wish I'd had a creative, happy upbringing with people like them.

I'm eye rolling at myself - crying with my sunglasses on, luggage between my legs, Litehaul beside me and yellow handbag on top of my suitcase.

Honestly.

But truthfully, I felt so much a part of the family and I wish I could stay forever.

I really hope that Uncle Noel decides to come over to NZ. It would be so great to see them all.

Ngā mihi nui ki a koutou xx Mihi mahana atu ki a koe. Ka nui te Aroha xxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Ka kite anō korua xxx

Window seat vs Staying Hydrated

Well. On the flight to Guangzhou I had the window seat. Awesome for views. But jeeeeez. Truly underestimated the difficulty in getting out to go to the toilet during the flight.

Way harder when BOTH my neighbours were sleeping throughout the majority of the flight. The girl closest to me was leaning on her tray table to sleep and the other was spread out with her knees right up to the other seat.

My only strategy was to wake up the table girl and literally jump over the other girl. Which I did twice.

I should also mention the rogue cup of water that the tray table girl had and didn't even drink. Every time she went to sleep on the tray table I wondered when she'd accidentally tip it. And.... It wasn't until the last half hour of the flight that she pushed it with her hand and it went all over my leg. Lol. And then again. Lucky it didn't drench anything else but I literally kept looking at the cup of water everytime she went to sleep.

On this flight, I got smarter. Still at the window seat. Still incredible views. I'm sitting next to an elderly Chinese couple. They're gorgeous. I've started calling the woman aunty, mostly in my head and recently in person on accident haha

On this flight, I now just wait for aunty to get up to go to the toilet. Her husband steps up and out of his seat to let her and me pass too. Best idea ever.

The first time I did it, I literally thought I was a genius. No more leaping over sleeping people. My only thought was - be quick before aunty gets back.

But now - we've got 3 hours to go. I've drunk more water because I was trying to manage my need to go to the bathroom and my headache from getting dehydrated. I said no to the first lot of orange juice before dinner and had one after instead. But now - I need to go toilet. Aunty is asleep. Her husband is watching a film.

The waiting game begins. She's drunk way more fluid than I have. An old woman's bladder vs a young teacher's bladder. Here's hoping she gets up soon!!!

And just like that - she wakes up. Has another drink of water... Gah. And gets back under her comfy blanket. Come on aunty!!! 😍😍😍

PS. Love this couple. They are so beautiful together. He helps her, she smiles at him and he is patient, sharing stories and cool pictures of artifacts he had on his phone. ❤️

....

PSS. YUSSSSSSSS and just like that... 5 mins after finishing typing this - her husband got up to move his legs and she followed suit and I went to the toilet and walked around the plane tooooo YUSSS. Thanks Aunty!

Food on China Southern Flights

TL;DR - Fantastic. 😍👅

Over these past two flights, I've had four meals. Three were amazing. Here's the breakdown.

Auckland to Guangzhou:

Dinner: pork and rice with beans. Walnut salad with basil/mint pesto sauce. Bun and butter.

Dessert: Kapiti Icecream

Breakfast: pork bun and fruit and yoghurt and croissant

Guangzhou to Heathrow:

Breakfast: there were two options. I heard egg and said no. I chose the dim sum. Bad move. But I chose it because I'd never had it. Bad idea to eat new food on the plane when you're in the window seat and the lovely Chinese couple beside me are enjoying their meal... So cannot get up and powerchuck in the bathroom..

Selection of Dim sum, fruit, yoghurt, cinnamon pastry

Disclaimer: as I'd never eaten dim sum, I watched my seat neighbours and took note of their actions and made sure I was eating it right. I ate bits and pieces from each bit and couldn't stomach the one in the brown package. The smell was overpowering and the taste - I was expecting something yum like the pork from the night before.

The yoghurt and fruit was delightful though. Have never tried that white fruit with the seeds in. I am sure I've seen it online too. Was like a white kiwifruit and less tangy.

Dinner:

Two options - I heard chicken and potatoes. I was starving after the kai earlier today. So went for the easiest option. Turns out the other option was the pork from the night before. Gutted.

But the roast chicken, broccoli and potatoes was yum as.

The bun was fresh and the fruit (orange section, four cherry tomatoes) was just what I wanted. Wasn't a fan of the potato salad? Tried it. Ate the lettuce instead.

Overall - really good.

Pro tip:
Listen to the airhosts with the options and ask for more specific info about the options.

Possibly could get a printed version of the menu too like my neighbour had.

Five hours to go of this flight

So bored.

Bored bored bored bored

I should just get some sleep.

Sleep sleep sleep sleep

... And so the journey begins

I've got six more hours to go on this flight from Guangzhou to Heathrow.

About two hours ago as we were flying over Ulan Bator, the desert laying beneath the cover of clouds, I had this realisation that this is it. There really is no turning back now.

To be honest, I've had that feeling a lot more than just a few hours ago.

Like the time I paid my flights or when I paid the last $50 of my Contiki trip. Or even when I walked through the international departure gate in Auckland Airport.

But now - so close to this trip I've been dreaming about for over 15 years - it's so so close.

The excitement is real. But the anticipation is more realistic. Because I don't know what to expect. I've had travel dreams but how can you populate it with buildings and people without having been there?

I still have those awful doubts in the back of my mind but I'm working on ignoring them and focussing on the beautiful positive.

I've taken so many photos already. Mainly of the maps from my tv screen on the back of the China Southern seat in front of me haha. It's just so cool seeing the little plane graphic creeping closer to my destination.

Knowing that I'm getting closer is increasing the amount of anticipation and overall nervousness.

I've had my first few moments of culture shock where I couldn't converse with several helpful staff in Guangzhou. Finding Sugar and .... Was honestly fated. They were so awesome to talk with and that interaction is what I want. What I used to be able to do so easily. So - I need to work on that skill and figure out who I am again.

It turns out that pretty brave is a clear characteristic!! I've talked already about the way in which I'm following the footsteps backwards that my tupuna took.

I've had a couple of moments where I've felt a bit emotional. Leaving Crystel and seeing how upset she was with me leaving. I actually think that she thought I wouldn't go. She'll be okay though. She knows she has support. I guess this is her time to grow too. Without me being there to prompt her or remind her to do stuff. What I used to tell mum off for doing all the time actually.

Watching Shameless - it made me sad that both mum and dad don't even know that I'm going to be on the other side of the world this weekend. Their reality though. They could be more involved or less narcissistic or have better parenting skills...

Regardless, I am stoked to go. To enjoy life. Live it up and find myself in the process.

Kia Kaha ❤️🛫🌏😍
#noregrets

4 Days, 23 Hours, 1 Minute, 20 Seconds

This Friday. Wow.

For the longest time I've been telling everyone that I'm going. Mostly because I'm so damn excited but also because I've been trying to make myself realise that I'm actually getting on a plane, travelling overseas by myself and meeting a bunch of new people and having an incredible time!

Truly - not long now.

I packed today. My big suitcase (15.1kg) and my carryon (6.3 kgs). There are a few things I still need to add but I'll still be under weight.

This week I just need to focus on getting everything sorted at school. Marking, marks up, reports written and finalised. Relief and resources done. So much to do.

Spending yesterday with my family here and in Tauranga, spending today lazing and weaving in the arvo... Gave me some homebody time. And time to get the things I needed sorted, sorted. Now I can just properly focus on leaving things good at school so I can leave, stress free.

Crystel is being a dick again though. I thought I could rely on her, but she hasn't been here the last few days. If anything, I thought she'd be wanting to hang out with me as I'm off to Europe soon. Partial jealousy and partial frustration. I can't and don't want to control her. But I do want her to make good decisions. Which she's not at the moment.

I just need a really good sleep, break free from this mental torment, get back on the excited Waka for my trip and seriously just enjoy life, for myself. No-one else.